Dear LA: As you know, California is shared by two major cities (sorry, San Diego) — one in the Northern half that is awesome, beautiful, and globally revered (ours!), and one in the Southern half that is none of those things (yours!). That in mind, we decided to pick out 15 things that — once and for all — illustrate how much you suck by comparison, and they’re simple enough that even your pretty, little, Botoxed head can understand them:
Seriously, how does ANYTHING get done in your city? You can’t walk anywhere and you have to drive, but you might as well be walking anyway.
2. Blue Skies
Oh sure, you may have the sun more often than us, but is it really worth it when you only see it through that cancer cloud you call a sky?
Yeah, we said it, what’re you gonna do about it?
4. Tahoe>>>>>>Big Bear
Tahoe is basically Aspen compared to your dinky little skiing area. Oh, and it’s just as fun in the Summer, too, especially if you know where to drink. We’ll have you up to our cabin sometime.
No, seriously, it counts twice. You could walk our entire city in the time it takes to move from one “neighborhood” to another in yours.
We work with it, you become it.
7. Going Out
If you plan on going out and don’t happen to live in the exact. Same. Neighborhood as where you plan on barhopping, you’d better have a sober friend or $50 for a cab. Speaking of which…
Sweet baby Jesus, how are cabs in your city worse than ours? We didn’t think it was possible, but apparently you are here to prove us wrong.
9. Being a city
We’re actually one damn city. You are more like a conglomeration of different cities cobbled loosely together into a county you call a city. And no one likes loose things.
We’re kinda the wave of the future with Silicon Valley and all. Meanwhile, Hollywood is getting steadily decreasing returns. Ask Detroit how that worked out for them (SPOILER ALERT: Not good!).
11. Dangerous Hoods
We have one street. You have East LA. (And South LA. [And some parts of North LA.])
12. Football Teams
We have two. How many do you have, again?
13. Public Transit
Yes, you might get stabbed on our public transit. But you’ll get stabbed on your way to somewhere you actually want to go. On LA’s public transit, you’ll get stabbed in the middle of nowhere and no one will ever find your body.
No, for real.