With the strike over (for now), BART has just gotten new seat covers that are “easier to clean” (ohthankgod) and “harder to cut into with your knife” (?!), so, with that good news, we’ve compiled a list of the 10 people you are definitely not going to want to share your shiny, new, stab-proof seats with:
1. The dude(s) who just peed/pooped on your BART seat.
That is what the tracks are for. Also, apparently in this city, sidewalks. Note: Do NOT sit on sidewalks.
2. The guy with the tuna salad sandwich he’s unwrapping AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
Hey fella. That’s a nice-looking tuna sandwich you’ve got there. But before you take a bite of it, get mayo and tuna on your face, and stink up the entire car with the putrid smell of gross sandwich, maybe can you NEVER EVER EVER DO THIS AGAIN?!?! Thank you.
3. The person whose headphones are so loud, everyone gets to enjoy his hardcore metal rap.
Are you deaf? No, seriously, CAN YOU HEAR? Wait, no, that’s a silly question, because if you could, you clearly wouldn’t be listening to Insane Clown Posse at a decibel level usually reserved for jet takeoffs on an aircraft carrier deck. And no, I don’t want you to defiantly turn it louder when I look at you. Losing 70% of your hearing by age 37 is in fact tough, but not in the way you’re thinking.
4. The person who just sneezed on you.
5. The 5’1″ chick with a 5’5″ suitcase.
Where are you going with a suitcase clearly stuffed with bodies and 30lb dumbbells? How did you ever think that lugging around a bag that you can barely move would be a good idea? And why are you trying to clean and jerk it over my head, as your feeble arms shake and I come very close to being knocked unconscious? Surely, there has to be a better way to get rid of people you clearly murdered.
6. Smelly homeless guy who has clearly paid money to be riding the train and is now asking for more money.
I respect your use of public transportation as a means to get around this great city of ours. And I respect the fact that you are an enterprising person who realizes we are a captive audience and, as such, have no choice but to listen to your spiel as your head swivels from side to side, daring someone to make eye contact. The problem is, I also think you just may be the guy who pooped and/or peed on my seat.
7. Normal-looking crazy person that really, really wants to talk to you.
You are worse than the homeless guy, because at least I KNOW that dude is crazy. But here you are, dressed all normal, and trying to entice me into a conversation, even though I’m clearly listening to music and reading Elizabeth Dole’s memoirs. And when I finally pull out my earbud and turn down the Insane Clown Posse hip indie music I was definitely listening to, you end up saying something about how Zionist bankers control the world’s money and handing me a weird laminated pamphlet, and I die a little inside.
8. Any person who challenges Epic Beard Man. Bad move, amigo.
Just because this guy’s 67 (well, 70 now) and has a fanny pack doesn’t mean he won’t rearrange your damn face and emasculate you in front of a bunch of your friends while you whimper in the back about how you’ll totally kill him.
9. Guy running downstairs and cutting in line just as the train shows up.
Oh, wait, I’m sorry. Are you also trying to board this train? Well, surely by all means, please cut in front of all the PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY GOT HERE ON TIME AND AREN’T SWEATING AND PANTING IN THEIR JOS. A. BANK SUIT. We understand. You’ve got places to go, and people to financially advise.
10. Everyone who is going to a Giants game when you’re not.
STOP HAVING SO MUCH DAMN FUN!